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On the Edge of Common Sense: Brand-name beef

Baxter Black Published on 24 October 2014

SWEET MEATS
Chocolate-covered chicken kidneys, beef liver or sliced pork tongue, expensively and individually wrapped in foil.

PENCIL-THIN MEATS
The closest thing you can get to jerky and still pay fresh meat prices.

HYDEN HARE
Novelty meats for teething babies and dog training.

CERTIFIED BEEF BEEF
Guaranteed to contain less than 0.2 percent by weight rodent hair, weevils, water buffalo, Sho Glo, Wildroot Cream Oil and Spam.

COUNTY LINE CUTS
(A division of Borders Beef Co.)
Steaks and stew meat with an exotic history. Green card available upon request.

ROADSIDE CHUCK
Delicious cuts of beef collected from scenic highways around the country. Flattened to the peak of tenderness.

NO-FAT PATS
Ground meat from aged, exercised beef, supplied by Vold Rodeo Productions.

HOLIDAY HELPER
Pressed patties pre-formed in the shape of the occasion; Santa, a turkey, a football, the judge’s gavel.

SPACE FOODS
Shrink-wrapped, unidentifiable portions intended to be served a long way from point of purchase.

MARINATED MERRY MEAT
Your choice of brisket or flank steak marinated in the fruit juice of the day. Hawaiian punch, grape, etc.

CHURCHILL DOWNS SPORTS MEAT
A line of highly select steaks and specialty cuts from near winners.

MA’S DEHYDRATED DELI MEATS
Excellent for busy traveler. Simply open the handy Ziploc bag and add water. Makes its own gravy.

SIERRA SAM’S ALL NATURAL TRAIL MIX
A delightful concoction of dried beef, pine needles, shredded environmental impact statements and quaky bark.

BILLY BOB’S BEEF TALLOW
Great for your complexion. Eat it, drink it or rub it on.

LO-TAR TIDBITS
Small portions from non-smoking steers.

WYOMING ONE-SHOT SELECT
Stew meat marinated in liquid smoke. Contains a tantalizing hint of antelope.   end mark

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