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Lee Pitts

California cattleman Lee Pitts provides his brand of humor on issues surrounding the ag industry.

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On most days I can look out the back windows of my house and see two ducks that mean the world to me. They are not your typical ducks in that they have taken up permanent residence in our yard, never fly away when the weather doesn’t agree with them, despite the fact that I hardly ever feed them, and they don’t leave behind any messes. They are the perfect pets. Did I mention they are also made of concrete?

I’m fortunate in that I got to know two of my great-grandmas. I loved them both dearly, and so when their possessions were scattered to the four winds I grabbed the concrete ducks that sat in each of their respective yards.

Every time I see them a smile creeps across my face, and I’m reminded of the special occasions when my mom’s family would gather at our house and my two great-grandmas, Nora and Grace, would sit three feet apart and not say a word to each other.

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As a man’s marriage matures, his attitude toward going shopping evolves.

Before marriage: When a man first dates a woman, he tries to hide the fact that they have absolutely nothing in common.

Even though the only shopping he likes is for guns, tractors, trucks, tools, horses and bulls, he tries to fake it by saying that yes, he’d love to go stand around while she shops in Victoria’s Secret and holds up underwear for his approval.

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Americans love wrecks. This explains the popularity of demolition derbies, the Three Stooges, professional bull riders, NASCAR and Hollywood marriages.

In the auction business, we too have our share of wrecks. When auctioneers use the term, it refers to a sale that’s so bad no one will get paid.

A typical auction wreck was the time we had a horse sale at an auction market and one of the consignors decided to ride his horse into the auction ring rather than lead it in like everyone else was doing.

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If you want to live a long time, I have some good advice for you. Stay away from doctors. Before health insurance was invented most people did just fine living on prunes and proverbs.

No prescriptions. With this in mind, I have collected the following cowboy cures and home remedies.

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I’m about to enjoy my 60th Christmas on Earth and yet there are still many things about the holiday that I don’t understand, such as:

Who is good King Wenceslas and what does he have to do with Christmas?

Does figgy pudding taste as bad as it sounds?

When people “Come A-Wassailing” are you expected to feed them?

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I’m riding high as a kite these days because after Big Al pumped our septic tank he said, “You have one of the most healthy septic tanks I’ve ever seen.”

“I bet you say that to all your clients,” I blushed. But Big Al insisted that he’d never seen such a healthy septic environment, and he ought to know.

I bet he’s drained 10,000 septic tanks in his 25 years as a septic superstar.

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